The grieving friend.

Grief.

Just thinking about the word grief and the act of grieving raises my heart rate. The mess of grief. The feeling it leaves in the pit of my stomach. The tears that start to well up in my eyes when I think about all I have grieved over and what others deal with every day.

When you are grieving for a friend, you take on the burden of not only your personal grief, but the sorrow of your companion. Grieving with a friend changes your relationship. Everyone deals with the "bad" in different ways. I prefer to grieve by letting it all come out over the first couple days, then finding peace in the promise of Heaven and knowing my Savior lives. Not everyone does it the same. Maybe you express grief through anger, through staying busy, through doing things that make you happy. However you grieve, I'm glad you're at least doing it. Whatever works for you.

I want to tell you about the most grief stricken year of my life. I did not lose a family member. I did not lose a partner. I watched my friend lose important people in her life, and that was the most grief I've ever felt.

We have all experienced some sort of death. We know people who have died, we have witnessed the peace that can come with it, the ugliness of it, maybe a little of both. It wasn't until I had to watch my friend go through unimaginable circumstances, did I even begin to understand what grief can feel like. All the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual things that come along with it.

It didn't add up.

Her family was a family of strong faith. They were obedient to the Word. They were healthy. They were happy. They did everything right, yet the ways of the broken world crept into their home. Sickness crept in.

No big deal, sickness is nothing for God. He's a healer. He's a miracle worker. Jesus arose from the dead 3 days after bearing the weight of all sin of everyone ever. God created the world in 6 days. Cancer is nothing to Him. Easy fix. I spoke words of healing. I stood in agreement that healing was coming. I sat through church services where praises were being given for healing of people I didn't even know with problems worse than what this woman of God was experiencing. I watched her worship and give glory to God in the midst of a battle I can't even imagine facing. I read Facebook posts of people getting back clear scans of where there was once bone cancer. People who turned their backs on God being healed as I cried out, begged, gave ultimatums to God to spare the life of a mother who had cancer.

I believed with every fiber of my being that He would, too. I thought if I said "but God, if you can do that for someone else, why aren't you doing it here?" that He would wrap her in healing and protection just to prove His power to me.

I was wrong. I was wrong to think that God ever had to prove himself to me. I was wrong to think that God would spare the life of someone just because He had saved the lives of countless others. That's not how it works. It didn’t mean He couldn’t heal her to stay with us, it was just not in the plan. That worshiping mother did not survive.

Why did you save those who didn't even believe in you?

I was humbled by the answer I received.

They were given the chance to surrender. They were spared so they could change and live their lives for Christ. She already knew. She was safe. She was in the hand of God and could not be plucked away. Those others weren't. But that didn't take the sadness away.

Not long after this woman died, her husband passed away as well. What? Three months is all the time that had passed. How?

I remain in a state of shock.

It's been two years this week since he died and I still can’t wrap my head around it. I watched their family adapt, hold on to their faith and draw closer to each other and Jesus after the loss of this beautiful woman in their lives. Then, when things had just started to become what was going to be the new normal, our worlds were flipped upside down again. Forcing to us to rebuild. Forcing us to not only face one death, but two.

I grieved by being angry at Satan. He was where this sickness came from. I knew this hurt was not of God because He doesn't desire us to suffer. So I put all my anger into the enemy. I became the friend I needed to be. I learned empathy. I learned who I needed to be for that friend, the friend who had lost a two big people in her life. The people who raised her.

It felt lonely. She doesn't grieve the same. She stayed busy; I stayed available- ready to run and be a shoulder to cry on, someone to scream with, someone to pray with whenever the call came. The call never came. Whether this will ever be something we will cry about together and share our two very different stories of this same year is unknown, but hear me out.

If you are the grieving friend, if you don't know what to do, you don't know who are for them, then pray. Pray that God will make you the person you need to be. He's faithful. He'll bring you through it. Both of you. Find your strength in Jesus. Press into the peace and comfort and love, that He promises. Be a sounding board. Be an encourager. Remind her of all the good things that are going on. Ask her what her parents would say, what they would do, what she would want them to say in this very moment. Let her relive all the good, and be there and ready to hold her up when she relives the sad.

From one grieving friend to another, you will survive. You will need to be her person. She doesn't need you to be strong and perfect. You don't need to have the right words to say. You just need to be honest and kind and present.

Allow yourself to watch her and learn from her. Look at the ugliness that grief brings, but don't forget to catch the beauty in the moments of peace it can bring, the relationships it strengthens. I am grateful for the growth we've had in this time.

I love you, Em K. I know your mom & dad were already so proud of who you are. I watch you handle things with grace. I know that is because of the relationship you have with Jesus. I can't wait to see how you continue to glorify Him through your life. Thank you for letting me grieve with you.

Ecclesiastes 4:10- "for if one falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up."