Alone

Something I've been wanting to journal about is loneliness. I usually write out what I want to talk about in my journal then process those thoughts before putting them here but today all the thoughts are starting here. So, buckle your seat belts, this might get a little crazy.

Being alone is scary for me. I hate to not be able to run my mouth constantly. If I am alone, I'm Facetiming, texting, snapchatting, singing, something- just to make noise and hear the voice of someone else. I think this is why I was terrified to go to college. All my friends would have different schedules, I would not be able to talk all the time. I was going into unknown territory- which something that usually makes me very anxious. I'm not a fan of change, but that's a story for another time. Back to being alone. So, when I went to college, my roommate never showed up. All my friends were commuters. Alone was something I was a lot of the time.

I watched a lot of Netflix, downloaded a lot of music, Facetimed daily (still do, whoops) and got into podcasts. I needed people. I always thought the amount of people around you showed how loved you are. I was wrong. It is not about how many people are around you, it is about the quality. As long as the people who are around you, love you well, it doesn't matter if there are 2 or 20 of them.

Jesus was not well received. He was perfect. He did it all right. So, it is okay to not be well received or popular with the crowd.

I began to enjoy being alone, craving the quiet. I think I learned more about myself in those moments when I was still and quiet. I think sometimes the people who are the loneliest are the ones who have everything because they don't have themselves. It's all about quality, not quantity. Find your people and love them intensely. Take joy in those silent moments you are given, as we age, they become fewer and farther in between. Instead of bingewatching the latest season, take time to think about yourself, or your relationships, pray, breathe, journal, or just stare at the wall. All are good ways to enjoy the quiet. You are not ever truly alone, only as much as you allow yourself to be. Sometimes it takes me listening to "I am not Alone" by Kari Jobe to convince myself but it's true. Embrace the stillness. It's scary to think about all the unknown so it gets easier to busy ourselves but growth happens in stillness and self reflection.